To Be Whole Again!

October 28^th,2009. Bhagirathi Neotia Hospital, Kolkata.

I faintly remember being wheeled out of the operation theatre. Someone was trying to talk to me. I opened my eyes for a few seconds only to close them again soon. I felt nauseous. All that I wanted at that moment, was my husband, Darshan.

A few minutes later, the nurses transported me to my room, which I was sharing with four other women-one of them delivered twins that day, the other one was going to deliver and the third one was pregnant, but had started bleeding. I was the only ‘ childless ‘ one.

I remember being helped onto my bed. I suddenly felt bare. I was naked from below. Even in that semi-conscious state, I felt vulnerable. I wanted to tell someone to cover me. I tried to open my eyes, but could not. I felt the nurses make me wear something. I later realized that it was the hospital’s sanitary napkin. They covered me with a blanket and left.

I felt a hand on my forehead. I opened my eyes to see Darshan. I gave him the biggest smile ever. He smiled back at me and told me that everything was ok. I merely nodded. After, what seemed like minutes, I asked him, “ What happened?”

His eyes bore deep into my. For a moment, I thought that he would tell me something really bad. For a moment, I felt that he would try and hide something from me. His silence was scaring me. And then, all of a sudden, he smiled. He told me, “ Everything is OK”

I gave him a questioning look. I needed answers. Why was no- one giving me any?

“ What did he say? “ The ‘ He’ was my doctor- Dr. Rohit.

Even Darshan knew that it was the time for the truth now. He looked at me, held my hand and said, “ Your right ovary is stuck to your uterus. Your right tube is blocked. So, basically, your ‘ right side’ is now, your wrong side. But Dr. Rohit has said that your left ovary and tube is perfectly fine. So, you will not have a problem conceiving”

Shock and silence enveloped me when I heard this. I did know whether I was relived to have finally found out the cause of our failed attempts to conceive and work towards that or sad, that why, of all the women in the world did God choose me to go through this?

After a few more minutes Darshan left the hospital and promised to come with everyone during the visiting hours.

I was left alone with my thoughts. Surprisingly, I did not cry and that made me wonder aloud, ‘Am I normal?’  A part of me found it difficult to accept the reality and a part of me was extremely positive that now, nothing will stop us from being parents. That will happen soon now.

I took this quiet time to reflect back on the past ten months of my life, when I had visited Genome, a fertility clinic for the first time. I remembered my fear. I remembered my first trans vaginal scan. I remembered the pain, when the probe was inserted into my body. I remembered being, literally naked before a man, who was stranger, my doctor. I remembered feeling vulnerable. I remembered going through my first fallopian-tube test and wincing in pain. I remembered all the injections that I took. I remembered my first IUI, which failed and the numerous ones after that. I remembered holding onto Darshan and howling and crying all through the night on the first day of my period. I remembered the nervousness while we waited for the results of the Blood tests. I remembered sitting amidst the numerous women, of all ages still having the hope of being a mother some day. I remembered my husband’s love, support and understanding which gave me the will to go on. I remember my doctor’s confidence and the will and courage he gave me to fight and sustain. I remember the care which the nurses took of me. I remember then, how this place had transformed me from a scary mouse to confident and positive person.  And most of all, I remember understanding and valuing the tiny miracle called ‘ life’, so much so that no matter what happened, no matter how many times I fell apart, I gathered myself and was ready for the fight again.

October 28^th, 2009- The day I went through a laparoscopy, a strong realization struck me- somewhere, God was giving me the strength to fight through these times. And somewhere, deep down, I realized that I was willing to fall apart…before I become whole again.

Bali.D.Sanghvi, December 31^st, 2009

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